February 25, 2009

This seems to be a popular subject lately! So today, our question comes from some poor young man in California...

Dear Demonica and Angelina,

So I've been dating this girl now for about 5 months and she's great, GGG (good giving and game), and loves me very much. She's been wanting to experiment in group sex but has said she would not do anything without my permission.Now for me, I consider myself to be pretty open to most things. However, for some reason I find it hard to share my gf with other ppl.

Case in point, about 1 year ago I had several threesomes with my friend mike and his ex gf Belinda. They were fun and we all enjoyed ourselves. Mike and Belinda have since broken up.

Now last night Mike was over with my girlfriend and I and we got to drinking and Mike having nobody at the moment started making passes at my gf who eagerly accepted with my consent. The playing stopped short of sex due to my rising jealousy. Even though i would like to get rid of this irrational jealously it still bothers me. It would just be sex and i know that but i think a host of insecurities are holding me back.

Question is should i let them fuck and take part or forget about it? If it was another girl it would be no problem, but as its a guy i would be uncomfortable as i feel i would have to comptete, wasn't a problem b4 as i didn't care for belinda as i care for my gf. I think i would end up resenting her and ultimately dumping her. Should i go for it?


John in California

John, this question is by far my favorite! There's nothing more exciting to dirty little Demonica than getting to fuck another man, with my man's permission. ESPECIALLY if he's watching. Something so taboo about it.

Here's my question for you John; why would you let her fool around with your friend, and then reel her back in and say, "hey, you can't fuck him". What a tease you are. I want to bend you over my knee and spank you for being such a dick. How dare you let your girlfriend get all hot and bothered, and you're friend get a raging case of blue balls, only to stop them! So selfish.

If I were you, I would talk things out with your girlfriend first and explain all of your boundaries and ground rules. Then she knows what to expect and she knows just how far you're willing to take things. Also, you can gauge from her how eager she is to do this. Maybe she's just a cock hungry whore and this is her excuse for some new dick?

But honestly, I don't know why you're asking us, you already know the answer to what you're asking. If you're going to be uncomfortable with it and eventually make her feel like a whore, then don't do it! Grow a pair and let your girl fuck your friend. Trust me, it will be better for your relationship in the long run.

My Darling Angelina's answer should be soaking with fire and brimstone...

First: I feel like I'm going to contract gonorrhea rummaging through Demonica's sloppy seconds. Foul play, whore, foul play.

John, you sad little man:

Enjoy reaping what you have sewn. Oh, everything is acceptable when 'Single You' was doing all the hedgerow bustling, huh? Now that your slut of a girlfriend (you two are perfect for each other) wants to take part in this act, suddenly you become morally upright.

This may never happen again, but I am fully agreeing with Demonica. I say that you deserve to be a witness to the type of behavior you once considered acceptable. You, little man, should be flogged while doing the act. What side of the fence are you on? Cakes can be baked, cakes can be eaten, but the pleasure is different for the baker and the eater. You are a heathen of the worst caliber. You want to bake the cake, eat the cake, vomit the cake back up, and make everyone else eat it.

Enjoy this trip down memory lane. Honestly, I hope he works her better than you ever could. I hope that you feel the shame that should be yours. I hope she leaves you after this encounter solely based on his performance. Then I hope you repent and lead a good Christian life. Who am I kidding? I'm still all woman, I hope you contract the AIDS, hellspawn. Thank sweet, sweet Jesus that you don't have children. I wash my hands of this.

January 23, 2009

Who's Your Daddy?

Today's lesson in fertility comes to us from Toledo, Ohio. Mandi writes:

Dearest Demonica, Angelic Angelina:

I'm pregnant. I know, I know, BFD. Here's the problem: I'm not really sure who the father is. My boyfriend and I had been 'seeing' each other for six months and we decided to go our separate ways. I decided to go out and well, enjoy my newfound freedom. Whatever, I'm sure he did the same thing. He's a bit of a shovel. Anyhoo, after a month of freedom, my ex and I got back together and are happier than ever. He doesn't know I'm pregnant. He also doesn't know that I was out getting plowed by random men on a nightly basis. Please don't think I'm a slut. Ok, I'm a slut. Whatever. What am I supposed to do? I can't tell him any of this, can I? Should I just act like he got me pregnant? I mean we were only apart for a month. I could tell him the baby is his and everything would be cool, right?

-Missing her menses, Mandi.

Oh good God in Heaven, child. I don't even know where to start with this one. Mandi, I'm glad you realize what a slut you truly are. That is admirable. To an extent. I'm going out on a holy limb here and assuming that you have no morals whatsoever. One month? Are your ankles that afraid of each other?

I will refrain from my usual sermon and give you some actual advice. You need to tell him some things. Not all things, but some. Unless you only sleep with men of only one nationality, I wouldn't want to be in the delivery room when your boyfriend discovers that it wasn't his crayon that filled in the family portrait. Right, so you really can't get out of this without incriminating yourself in some capacity. Is Jimbo the family type? Are you the family type? Would you consider giving your baby up for adoption rather than trust in your whorish self to change your ways and create a stable environment for a child? Can you change? Lots of questions here, Mandi.

The most important and only thing you need to worry about right now is that peanut sized life form in your womb. Paternity tests should be considered, but the baby comes first. I wouldn't worry about Jimbo or the Puerto Rican Soccer Team right now. Obviously, you aren't any good at dating. Your legs probably only close once or twice a week. But there is some good news: now that you're pregnant, you can continue having unprotected sex. You probably need to be talking to your family, if you have any, not a couple of unknown women on a blog. That is the best advice I can give you.

Oh Mandi, you make Demonica positively giddy with those devious thoughts your having. First, let me say that I can't imagine why you would want a baby. They're dirty little creatures and I would just as soon pour tobasco in my eyeballs than have to raise one.

Don't you listen to Angelina, baby girl. You're not a slut. You're just a young woman with a healthy sexual appetite and there is nothing wrong with that! I say good for you! How else would you have known that Jimbo was the one for you if you didn't use some other cocks to confirm that? I am a huge fan of knowing what else is out there before I commit for any period of time to just one dick.

My advice is this: Tell Jimbo that the demon seed is his. If the baby comes out black, or chinese, or retarded; deny, deny, deny! He is a simple minded man, Mandi. You can convince him of anything, trust me. If things aren't going your way, simply turn on the water works and tell turn it all on him. Tell him he's just not ready for the commitment and that's why he's acting this way. If he wants a paternity test, go with the tried and true, "you don't trust me" routine! Make it work in your favor, dear Mandi.

I hope for your sake that the child is retarded. Then he will just feel so guilty that he created an inferior being that he won't even question it. Good luck.

January 11, 2009

Slay the Beast, Whore!

Welcome back from the holidays, heathens, today's question comes from Snoopy McSnooperson out in Madison, Wisconsin. Snoopy writes:

Dear D'NA,

My wife sent nude pictures to her internet gamer friends and told me she did not send any. I found a few pictures that she wrote the name of the recipient on and confronted her. She denied any emailing of the pictures and now its been boiling. That was at Thanksgiving. Yesterday I went through her sent email to find out that she has sent several pictures to multiple people who she plays an internet game with. I am enraged that she has been doing this for over a year and without my knowledge. Confronting her would let her know that I was snooping. Am I wrong to bring this up again?

Snoopy McSnooperson

Well, well, well. Aren't we the trusting type? Also, the stupid type. What are you doing wrong, Snoopy, that your loving wife would have time to 'game' online? Sure, she's a tramp. No doubt about it, she's throwing her bits all over the place, desperate for unholy sanctions.

This may or may not be your fault, but I can only assume that your bedroom needs a good dusting. I don't want to frighten you, I understand the male species is predisposed to be a tad bit...well, let's just say that men in general give off the nasty Musk of Fear. If this is what she is doing online, what do you think she may be doing offline? I would imagine it involves some sort of fornication the likes of which only Demonica would know.

What do you know about the recipients? Are they doctors, maybe? No? Are they male? No? Here, honey, let me break it to you: your lovely bride is a filthy lesbian. Not just a lesbian, a slutty lesbian. Which is much worse than your garden variety, classy lesbian. She isn't the type of lesbian that looks forward to raising a child born to man and woman, she is the type of lesbian that would punch holes in the outskirts of her secret garden. The type of lesbian that enjoys sporting events, often yelling for harder hits. No matter, either lesbian will surely burn in hell. And so will you, for condoning her behavior through your male stupidity.

Wait, maybe the recipients are male, Angelina? No way in Jesus' sweet name, my children. If they were male, why bother? Madison is a well populated area (for Wisconsin) and she could very well find throbbing, sinful, mildly painful joy anywhere in town at any time of the day. Plenty of men to go around. Your wife, Snoopy, seeks something more exotic: hot lesbian action. Believe me, my dirty sister is a lesbian. I understand the depravity that your wife has fallen victim to. Breathe easy, if it makes you feel any better, your lying, licking, whore of a wife is most certainly primed for an extended stay in the hot box. I wash my hands of this matter, Demonica, feel free to spill your guts because it sounds like Snoopy married your little sister.

Snoopy dear, what the fuck are you thinking? Confronting her would let her know you've been snooping? Did you ride the short bus to school? I bet you did, you window licker. Grow a pair of fucking balls and stand up to this bitch! That's probably why she's fucking around online. She has a man at home who can't even confront her about her devious behavior. Shame on you, Snoopy.

But Demonica will help you, don't you worry about that! She's obviously seeking attention from you. She is putting them in a place where you're bound to find them. What games does she play online? Have you considered asking her if she would like to do a little 'gamer role play'? Maybe dress up like a fucking dragon and have her slay you or something, I don't know. But fuck, do something! Bring back the pizazz, you flacid weenie!

If she has in fact found someone else and is whoreing out her lady parts to said person, then I'm afraid there's nothing you can do short of pouring a little cyanide in her bloody mary and taking a Romeo and Juliet exit. Nothing says romance like, "I'll kill you, bitch".

Snoopy, it is my opinion that you should do the following 3 things:
  1. Email the person that you're trampy wife sent the pictures to, pretending to be her, and find out just what sort of relationship they are having.
  2. Grow a pair, you pussy!
  3. Confront the bitch. Ask her what the fuck is up? Tell her you know she's sending them and she can't deny it, you have hard evidence.

I'm afraid you already know what to do in this situation, you're just too much of a sissy to do it Snoopy. So good luck to ya! Oh, and if your wife is a carpet muncher, give her Demonica Darling's number...

December 23, 2008

Your Name Here

Dearest DNA,

I hope you can help me because I'm all sorts of confused over my current boyfriend. You see, my boyfriend has several tattoos. And all of them are stupid as hell. Mostly because 2 of them are the names of ex-girlfriends that he refuses to get covered up or removed.

It burns me up every time I see them. I've tried to overlook it but it bugs me majorly. Now? He said that he wants to get MY NAME tattooed on him. I just don't know if I can deal with this. I mean, what if some other whore down the road ends up staring at my name while he's bunny humping her?

What the hell do I do with this jackass?


Ok, first things first, kitty. When you say 'burns me up' I sincerely hope you don't have bigger problems than this douchebag and his tattoos. Listen, sweetheart, go get tested. Boys with tattoos are always bad news. I'm guessing you two met at a bar, got all good and sauced then headed home for some raunchy, premarital sex. You must be related to Demonica. Way to take the moral high ground. Do you want your lady parts to fall off? Stop screwing this man immediately.

If he won't cover the tattoos, you can bet he thinks about these girls an awful lot. Once he gets them covered, you know he's serious and the two of you can continue living in sin. Wait, not yet. If I were you, and I most certainly am not, I would demand that he get my name inked on his filthy forehead. The guilt he feels for giving you The VD should give you some leverage in this battle. Basically, my value system restricts me from condoning your behavior. You need to repent and get your ass in a church pew. Now. Repent.

Ok, let me take off my angel wings for a minute and try to give your wretched soul some advice you can actually apply, you filthy tramp. When you finally do confront him about the beast marks, listen to what he says. He might take the 'I don't regret getting these tattoos because they represent important moments in my life' angle. He also might take the 'I'm a man that can't be tamed and noone tells me what to do' angle as well. Thirdly, he may go this route: the 'why, do they bother you, I'm a stupid male' approach. Remember that you are right, control the conversation. Quickly, because I am late for my evening devotion, in the order I gave you those responses:

1. "But I'm more important than those other girls, right honey?"

Men are simple creatures, if they feel that their sex lives are being threatened, they will bend for you. Or leave your slutty ass.

2. "I'm not telling you what to do, but I am telling you there are some things you won't be doing to me later if you don't get those whores' names removed permanently from your body."

See the trend here, dirty bird? Sex is a weapon. I learned that in Sunday School.

3. "No, they don't bother ME, love nugget, but they do cause an allergic reaction in my beautiful flower, causing it to close its petals for an undetermined time value."

No man is that stupid. This is an easy victory for you, don't give him any opportunities to drag out the inevitable.

There you go, Hester Prynne. I can only expect that you will take none of this advice and die from syphilis. Pack some shorts, Hell is hot, now go get your wounds licked by our resident slut, Demonica. She will tell you what you want to hear, sinner.

Angelina Darling, you truly are church lady aren't you? Take your 'abstinence' speeches elsewhere, tramp.

On to Leticia. Can I just start by pointing out the obvious? You have a ridiculous name and I hope for your sake that it's fake. Leticia? Demonica is shocked that he would want that name on him; everyone will think it's his fucking grandmother. But hush now babydoll, I know you can't do anything about that short of legally changing it...and I suggest you do.

On to the real "problem". Why does it bother you so much? Who gives a fuck? He's obviously an impulsive person and you two will clearly be over as soon as his dick has had enough of Leticia's labia, so quit worrying about it! Put on your big girl nipple clamps and ask yourself, "is this a deal breaker for me?" If the answer is yes, then don't let the door hit you in your large ass on the way out of it.

Another option is always to ask him to change the tatoos up a bit. If he has one that says "Mary", then ask him to get something added to it. For example, "Mary is a dirty skank". I think that's quite effective, don't you? The only thing to be leery of with that, is when he breaks up with you (and he will), what will he get added after your name?

Sugar, there are big things in life to worry your pretty little heart over, and there are small things in life that should be paid no attention whatsoever. This business with the tattoos is a small thing and you've just got to let it go. If you don't want your name added to his list of bitches, then break up with him before it happens!

One last thing dear, just tell him to do what I did. Get the following tattooed, "Your name here". It covers all bases for all people and then you don't have to worry about those pesky cover ups.

December 15, 2008

Does Three Always Make A Crowd?

From Two to Three, will her husband agree?

Dear D'NA,

My question for you girls is about threesomes. I have a friend who is pretty hot. And I know she likes making out with girls and guys. And I have been fantasizing about her making out with my husband. A lot. I even masturbated while thinking about it. I want to bring it up with my husband but I am not sure what to say. We have never talked about that in our relationship before. What if he gets upset? It's kind of something you can't take back.


Dear Danica,

Let me start off by saying that I am shocked, absolutely floored that you've never even joked about this with your husband? I do entirely agree with you that you are on a slippery slope and once you start to slide, baby girl, you can't take it back. You stand on the cusp of your husband looking at you in an entirely different light.

I said cusp and this makes me laugh, because just this morning my husband informed me that he was cusping my breast. I tried to explain how this was wrong, it did me no good, but note I said that my husband was cusping my tatty and not my husband AND girlfriend were fighting for the best funbag lovin' position. And even as I write this he is sending me naughty emails about being my firefighter and saving me while I slide down his pole. No mention of saving me and my hot, bi-sexual girlfriend. Because there isn't one. Shut up, Demonica.

Demonica is totally going to disagree with me on this one and that is okay. I touched on this in my last response that dealt with a similar issue, although they were already in the swing of things. Look, Danica darling, chances are if you are MARRIED to a man and you don't know how he feels about threesomes, I'm guessing he's not into them. Most men, and you can quote me on this, are very upfront about what they want in the bedroom and what they don't. If he has never, ever brought this subject up, then I'm thinking that he thinks his marriage is between you and him and whatever fantasies you two have in your dirty little minds.

Now, if you disagree with my take on this and you decide to proceed, I would suggest you do so with MUCH caution. Perhaps just mention the story you read below about the wedding day swingers, or throw out a funny little crack about a threesome and see what his reaction is. If you get any kind of resistance, BACK OFF! The last thing a man who doesn't dig threesomes wants is a woman who does.

Now let's see what my dear, darling, totally into sitting on girl's faces, Demonica has to say:


You make Demonica so happy with this question. Not only because like my darling Angelina says, I like to sit on girl's faces, but because this is something so near and dear to my cold, ice encrusted heart.

Every man has at least thought about his wife with another woman and if they deny that, they're lying to save your feelings, my love. Your husband has definitely thought about it and I'm sure has also masturbated to the thought as well.

The tricky part here is broaching the subject. Here's what you should do; go buy a few bottles of wine, get tipsy and then tell your sweet hunk-a-hub's how you just get so turned on thinking about him kissing another woman while you watch. If he doesn't ask for more info immediately or at least show some eager interest, I promise to give you my first born.

Here's something else you need to think about though, my curious little kitty; how far do you want it to go if your hubs says yes? If he's into the thought and you agree that your friend is the one, do you want it to go beyond kissing? If not, then that's something that you need to be up front about. Nothing worse than getting into the heat of the moment and being told to zip back up, cause nothing else is happening. Also, do you have any idea what your friend would say? In my opinion, it would be far more awkward to ask your friend about this than it would be to ask your husband.

I had a similar situation a few years back when I was the girlfriend of a married couple. She brought me in and everything was perfect for a while. But then the wife started getting jealous whenever she watched her husband pounding into me and things got nasty. You have to ask yourself, "how jealous of a person am I"? If that's something you can easily live with, then I say to let your freak flag fly, girlie.

Here's for Christmas wishes. Hopefully it's everything you thought it would be.

December 12, 2008

Wedding Night SCH-WING

Today's question comes from the beautiful state of California. Where not only do wedding bells ring, but married couples swing:

Dear D'NA,

A few months ago my husband and I attended a wedding. At the reception we had a lot to drink. I mean A LOT. Anyway, at the end of the night we were so drunk we ended up taking home a married couple and we got naked in our hot tub. In the course of the evening I ended up sleeping with the husband and my husband ended up sleeping with the other wife.

Here's the catch. The couple we took home from the wedding was the bride and groom. Since then we've switched partners 3 or 4 times with the same couple.

I feel so ashamed and I don't even think this other guy is attractive. Can you help me? Do I keep doing this or do I end it? And if so how?

Thank you,

Oh Megan, ashamed? How could you possibly be ashamed of such a beautiful and natural thing? Bad girl! Come here and let Demonica give you a spanking for having such ridiculous thoughts. But don't worry, I know that skank Angelina will kiss it all better for you when I'm done.

Enough about my naughty little prefrences though, let's see if Demonica can help you, shall we? Should you continue to do this? Really, that's not a question I can answer for you. But, it seems to me that you're marriage is lacking a little pizzaz if you're willing to first take home another couple and then continue this swinging behavior. Perhaps this is what it needs? Are you getting jealous that your husband is fucking another woman? Is he getting jealous that you're getting rammed by another man? If the answer to both of those questions is no, then you have your answer right there, kitty cat.

If the man you're whoreing yourself out to isn't particularly attractive, why don't you find a new couple to get your freak on with? There are plenty of attractive and hip swingers out there. Trust Demonica on that one, baby girl.

If you do decide to end it, as I'm sure Angelina will tell you to do, then take Demonica's advice; tell them that you're far too jealous of a couple to be able to share any longer and you just can't continue on with the relationship.

Whatever you decide to do, please keep me updated. With pictures.

Now let's see what our darling Angelina has to say on this topic. I can hardly wait...

Well hello Megan-girl. First of all let me start by saying that the bartender at that reception must have mixed one stiff cocktail. And evidently so do you, my sweet catty.

Surprisingly, Demonica has given you some sound, yet colorful advice. To solve your little problem here, Meg, I'm going to ask you to try to wipe away all that shame you've placed on yourself. Don't feel ashamed. Everyone involved was a willing party from what you say. And if for some reason you feel as if your husband forced you to do this then I beg you to go get help and get out of the situation.

However, that does not seem to be what you are saying here. Situations like this can work for everyone involved and they ONLY work if everyone involved WANTS to be there. It doesn't seem like you want to be there.

Step back from the situation and think about what it is that you are taking away from these little escapades. Is it self-esteem or self-respect? Are you flattered that this other person would have you? Also, think about if this is what you want for your marriage. A marriage is generally between two people, not four. If at the end of the day you think that this is not what you want then end it, baby girl and do it quickly. Say it was fun while it lasted but now it's out of your system. After that, don't look back in shame, look back and think about what a worldly little minx you are.

Contrary to what my fabulous whore-cat Demonica says, I'm not going to tell you to end it. I'm tellling you that you know the answer to your own question. If swinging with this couple is what you and your husband crave, well then swing on, kitty, swing on.

December 10, 2008

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold

Especially if there is cat food involved.

Today's question comes to us from Katherine in Pennsylvania. Katherine writes:

Dear Jack Your Life,

Recently I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because I found out that he was cheating on me and it wasn't the first time. Before breaking up with him, I was feeling vindictive and one night when I was making his dinner I grabbed a handful of the cat's Meow Mix and ground it up and put it on top of his salad. They looked just like bacon bits and he was none the wiser.

I felt a little bad afterwards, especially since I dumped him that night. A few weeks after we split, I started getting my credit card statements in the mail. It turns out that Super Jerk had racked up over $30,000 in charges and withdrawals to support his cocaine habit and now I'm pissed all over again!

Angelina and Demonica, can you help me to seek revenge on this creep? Oh and it might be handy to know, that he has no sense of smell.

Please help,

Dear Katherine,

Oh kitty, someone is having a rough day. Is it not enough that poor Super Jerk is walking around with kitten breath? No, I guess not.

Knowing that Creepo has no sense of smell makes me want to advise you to do something that would fill your need for revenge. You know, something completely evil like coating his water bed mattress with fish oil and then turning the heater on the bed all the way up to high? The smell would not only permeate his humble abode and attract all the neighborhood cats, but he would be none the wiser that he was walking around smelling like dead kitty casserole. But you and I both know that if you have revenge in your heart the only person you hurt is yourself. Or something like that.

While I trust Karma will nip this jerk in the bud soon enough, in the case of $30,000 I would say it's time to obtain an attorney. I'm guessing the law is on your side on this one and I would use it to the fullest extent.

Not very sexy I know, but neither is dropping the soap in the shower with Bubba behind him as I suspect jail time would be in order for this guy.

Let's see what our darling Demonica has to say:

Photobucket Well first let me commend you on the Meow Mix, nicely done.

Don't listen to that goody two-shoes Angelina. Attorney? Sweetheart, what you need is some good old fashioned revenge. Although Demonica's frozen and bitter heart did warm a wee bit at the suggestion of the fish oil, I have some things tucked up my sleeve that will surely make you feel righteous.

In reference to the credit card charges, my suggestion is that you spend the next week visiting local hospitals for random ailments, causing them to run many expensive tests. But here's the catch: give his name and social security number for billing. Oh how revenge makes my lady business tingle.

Now, as far as completely fucking with him, I would suggest that you do any of the following:

  1. Write out 'COKE HEAD' on the hood of his car with syrup and then sprinkle some glitter into it. Nearly impossible to remove, my dear.

  2. Sprinkle a packet of kool-aid onto his mattress and then put his bedsheet over it. When he sweats in the middle of the night, the kool-aid will seep into his skin and turn him whatever magical color you choose. It won't come out. For weeks. Also, if he's not such a sweaty guy, you could always sneak into his house after he's gone to sleep and turn the heater all the way up and then super glue the lever in place.

  3. I would also seriously consider finding some truly dirty website (email me about that, I've got the dish) and post an ad under the beastiality section. Make sure you leave his phone number for people to contact him. Nothing worse than having to change your phone number.

Katherine baby, you must seek revenge on the wicked. And this dick, is wicked. I hope you learned your lesson about coke heads and that next time, you pass the dutchie on the left hand side instead.