Who's Your Daddy?

Today's lesson in fertility comes to us from Toledo, Ohio. Mandi writes:


Dearest Demonica, Angelic Angelina:

I'm pregnant. I know, I know, BFD. Here's the problem: I'm not really sure who the father is. My boyfriend and I had been 'seeing' each other for six months and we decided to go our separate ways. I decided to go out and well, enjoy my newfound freedom. Whatever, I'm sure he did the same thing. He's a bit of a shovel. Anyhoo, after a month of freedom, my ex and I got back together and are happier than ever. He doesn't know I'm pregnant. He also doesn't know that I was out getting plowed by random men on a nightly basis. Please don't think I'm a slut. Ok, I'm a slut. Whatever. What am I supposed to do? I can't tell him any of this, can I? Should I just act like he got me pregnant? I mean we were only apart for a month. I could tell him the baby is his and everything would be cool, right?

-Missing her menses, Mandi.




Oh good God in Heaven, child. I don't even know where to start with this one. Mandi, I'm glad you realize what a slut you truly are. That is admirable. To an extent. I'm going out on a holy limb here and assuming that you have no morals whatsoever. One month? Are your ankles that afraid of each other?


I will refrain from my usual sermon and give you some actual advice. You need to tell him some things. Not all things, but some. Unless you only sleep with men of only one nationality, I wouldn't want to be in the delivery room when your boyfriend discovers that it wasn't his crayon that filled in the family portrait. Right, so you really can't get out of this without incriminating yourself in some capacity. Is Jimbo the family type? Are you the family type? Would you consider giving your baby up for adoption rather than trust in your whorish self to change your ways and create a stable environment for a child? Can you change? Lots of questions here, Mandi.


The most important and only thing you need to worry about right now is that peanut sized life form in your womb. Paternity tests should be considered, but the baby comes first. I wouldn't worry about Jimbo or the Puerto Rican Soccer Team right now. Obviously, you aren't any good at dating. Your legs probably only close once or twice a week. But there is some good news: now that you're pregnant, you can continue having unprotected sex. You probably need to be talking to your family, if you have any, not a couple of unknown women on a blog. That is the best advice I can give you.







Oh Mandi, you make Demonica positively giddy with those devious thoughts your having. First, let me say that I can't imagine why you would want a baby. They're dirty little creatures and I would just as soon pour tobasco in my eyeballs than have to raise one.


Don't you listen to Angelina, baby girl. You're not a slut. You're just a young woman with a healthy sexual appetite and there is nothing wrong with that! I say good for you! How else would you have known that Jimbo was the one for you if you didn't use some other cocks to confirm that? I am a huge fan of knowing what else is out there before I commit for any period of time to just one dick.


My advice is this: Tell Jimbo that the demon seed is his. If the baby comes out black, or chinese, or retarded; deny, deny, deny! He is a simple minded man, Mandi. You can convince him of anything, trust me. If things aren't going your way, simply turn on the water works and tell turn it all on him. Tell him he's just not ready for the commitment and that's why he's acting this way. If he wants a paternity test, go with the tried and true, "you don't trust me" routine! Make it work in your favor, dear Mandi.


I hope for your sake that the child is retarded. Then he will just feel so guilty that he created an inferior being that he won't even question it. Good luck.