Your Name Here

Dearest DNA,

I hope you can help me because I'm all sorts of confused over my current boyfriend. You see, my boyfriend has several tattoos. And all of them are stupid as hell. Mostly because 2 of them are the names of ex-girlfriends that he refuses to get covered up or removed.


It burns me up every time I see them. I've tried to overlook it but it bugs me majorly. Now? He said that he wants to get MY NAME tattooed on him. I just don't know if I can deal with this. I mean, what if some other whore down the road ends up staring at my name while he's bunny humping her?


What the hell do I do with this jackass?

Leticia
-Montana







Ok, first things first, kitty. When you say 'burns me up' I sincerely hope you don't have bigger problems than this douchebag and his tattoos. Listen, sweetheart, go get tested. Boys with tattoos are always bad news. I'm guessing you two met at a bar, got all good and sauced then headed home for some raunchy, premarital sex. You must be related to Demonica. Way to take the moral high ground. Do you want your lady parts to fall off? Stop screwing this man immediately.

If he won't cover the tattoos, you can bet he thinks about these girls an awful lot. Once he gets them covered, you know he's serious and the two of you can continue living in sin. Wait, not yet. If I were you, and I most certainly am not, I would demand that he get my name inked on his filthy forehead. The guilt he feels for giving you The VD should give you some leverage in this battle. Basically, my value system restricts me from condoning your behavior. You need to repent and get your ass in a church pew. Now. Repent.


Ok, let me take off my angel wings for a minute and try to give your wretched soul some advice you can actually apply, you filthy tramp. When you finally do confront him about the beast marks, listen to what he says. He might take the 'I don't regret getting these tattoos because they represent important moments in my life' angle. He also might take the 'I'm a man that can't be tamed and noone tells me what to do' angle as well. Thirdly, he may go this route: the 'why, do they bother you, I'm a stupid male' approach. Remember that you are right, control the conversation. Quickly, because I am late for my evening devotion, in the order I gave you those responses:

1. "But I'm more important than those other girls, right honey?"


Men are simple creatures, if they feel that their sex lives are being threatened, they will bend for you. Or leave your slutty ass.



2. "I'm not telling you what to do, but I am telling you there are some things you won't be doing to me later if you don't get those whores' names removed permanently from your body."

See the trend here, dirty bird? Sex is a weapon. I learned that in Sunday School.





3. "No, they don't bother ME, love nugget, but they do cause an allergic reaction in my beautiful flower, causing it to close its petals for an undetermined time value."

No man is that stupid. This is an easy victory for you, don't give him any opportunities to drag out the inevitable.


There you go, Hester Prynne. I can only expect that you will take none of this advice and die from syphilis. Pack some shorts, Hell is hot, now go get your wounds licked by our resident slut, Demonica. She will tell you what you want to hear, sinner.





Angelina Darling, you truly are church lady aren't you? Take your 'abstinence' speeches elsewhere, tramp.

On to Leticia. Can I just start by pointing out the obvious? You have a ridiculous name and I hope for your sake that it's fake. Leticia? Demonica is shocked that he would want that name on him; everyone will think it's his fucking grandmother. But hush now babydoll, I know you can't do anything about that short of legally changing it...and I suggest you do.

On to the real "problem". Why does it bother you so much? Who gives a fuck? He's obviously an impulsive person and you two will clearly be over as soon as his dick has had enough of Leticia's labia, so quit worrying about it! Put on your big girl nipple clamps and ask yourself, "is this a deal breaker for me?" If the answer is yes, then don't let the door hit you in your large ass on the way out of it.

Another option is always to ask him to change the tatoos up a bit. If he has one that says "Mary", then ask him to get something added to it. For example, "Mary is a dirty skank". I think that's quite effective, don't you? The only thing to be leery of with that, is when he breaks up with you (and he will), what will he get added after your name?

Sugar, there are big things in life to worry your pretty little heart over, and there are small things in life that should be paid no attention whatsoever. This business with the tattoos is a small thing and you've just got to let it go. If you don't want your name added to his list of bitches, then break up with him before it happens!

One last thing dear, just tell him to do what I did. Get the following tattooed, "Your name here". It covers all bases for all people and then you don't have to worry about those pesky cover ups.