Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold

Especially if there is cat food involved.

Today's question comes to us from Katherine in Pennsylvania. Katherine writes:

Dear Jack Your Life,

Recently I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because I found out that he was cheating on me and it wasn't the first time. Before breaking up with him, I was feeling vindictive and one night when I was making his dinner I grabbed a handful of the cat's Meow Mix and ground it up and put it on top of his salad. They looked just like bacon bits and he was none the wiser.

I felt a little bad afterwards, especially since I dumped him that night. A few weeks after we split, I started getting my credit card statements in the mail. It turns out that Super Jerk had racked up over $30,000 in charges and withdrawals to support his cocaine habit and now I'm pissed all over again!

Angelina and Demonica, can you help me to seek revenge on this creep? Oh and it might be handy to know, that he has no sense of smell.

Please help,
Katherine



Dear Katherine,

Oh kitty, someone is having a rough day. Is it not enough that poor Super Jerk is walking around with kitten breath? No, I guess not.

Knowing that Creepo has no sense of smell makes me want to advise you to do something that would fill your need for revenge. You know, something completely evil like coating his water bed mattress with fish oil and then turning the heater on the bed all the way up to high? The smell would not only permeate his humble abode and attract all the neighborhood cats, but he would be none the wiser that he was walking around smelling like dead kitty casserole. But you and I both know that if you have revenge in your heart the only person you hurt is yourself. Or something like that.

While I trust Karma will nip this jerk in the bud soon enough, in the case of $30,000 I would say it's time to obtain an attorney. I'm guessing the law is on your side on this one and I would use it to the fullest extent.

Not very sexy I know, but neither is dropping the soap in the shower with Bubba behind him as I suspect jail time would be in order for this guy.

Let's see what our darling Demonica has to say:

Well first let me commend you on the Meow Mix, nicely done.

Don't listen to that goody two-shoes Angelina. Attorney? Sweetheart, what you need is some good old fashioned revenge. Although Demonica's frozen and bitter heart did warm a wee bit at the suggestion of the fish oil, I have some things tucked up my sleeve that will surely make you feel righteous.

In reference to the credit card charges, my suggestion is that you spend the next week visiting local hospitals for random ailments, causing them to run many expensive tests. But here's the catch: give his name and social security number for billing. Oh how revenge makes my lady business tingle.

Now, as far as completely fucking with him, I would suggest that you do any of the following:

1. Write out 'COKE HEAD' on the hood of his car with syrup and then sprinkle some glitter into it. Nearly impossible to remove, my dear.


2. Sprinkle a packet of kool-aid onto his mattress and then put his bedsheet over it. When he sweats in the middle of the night, the kool-aid will seep into his skin and turn him whatever magical color you choose. It won't come out. For weeks. Also, if he's not such a sweaty guy, you could always sneak into his house after he's gone to sleep and turn the heater all the way up and then super glue the lever in place.


3. I would also seriously consider finding some truly dirty website (email me about that, I've got the dish) and post an ad under the beastiality section. Make sure you leave his phone number for people to contact him. Nothing worse than having to change your phone number.

Katherine baby, you must seek revenge on the wicked. And this dick, is wicked. I hope you learned your lesson about coke heads and that next time, you pass the dutchie on the left hand side instead.