Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold

Especially if there is cat food involved.

Today's question comes to us from Katherine in Pennsylvania. Katherine writes:

Dear Jack Your Life,

Recently I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because I found out that he was cheating on me and it wasn't the first time. Before breaking up with him, I was feeling vindictive and one night when I was making his dinner I grabbed a handful of the cat's Meow Mix and ground it up and put it on top of his salad. They looked just like bacon bits and he was none the wiser.

I felt a little bad afterwards, especially since I dumped him that night. A few weeks after we split, I started getting my credit card statements in the mail. It turns out that Super Jerk had racked up over $30,000 in charges and withdrawals to support his cocaine habit and now I'm pissed all over again!

Angelina and Demonica, can you help me to seek revenge on this creep? Oh and it might be handy to know, that he has no sense of smell.

Please help,
Katherine



Dear Katherine,

Oh kitty, someone is having a rough day. Is it not enough that poor Super Jerk is walking around with kitten breath? No, I guess not.

Knowing that Creepo has no sense of smell makes me want to advise you to do something that would fill your need for revenge. You know, something completely evil like coating his water bed mattress with fish oil and then turning the heater on the bed all the way up to high? The smell would not only permeate his humble abode and attract all the neighborhood cats, but he would be none the wiser that he was walking around smelling like dead kitty casserole. But you and I both know that if you have revenge in your heart the only person you hurt is yourself. Or something like that.

While I trust Karma will nip this jerk in the bud soon enough, in the case of $30,000 I would say it's time to obtain an attorney. I'm guessing the law is on your side on this one and I would use it to the fullest extent.

Not very sexy I know, but neither is dropping the soap in the shower with Bubba behind him as I suspect jail time would be in order for this guy.

Let's see what our darling Demonica has to say:

Well first let me commend you on the Meow Mix, nicely done.

Don't listen to that goody two-shoes Angelina. Attorney? Sweetheart, what you need is some good old fashioned revenge. Although Demonica's frozen and bitter heart did warm a wee bit at the suggestion of the fish oil, I have some things tucked up my sleeve that will surely make you feel righteous.

In reference to the credit card charges, my suggestion is that you spend the next week visiting local hospitals for random ailments, causing them to run many expensive tests. But here's the catch: give his name and social security number for billing. Oh how revenge makes my lady business tingle.

Now, as far as completely fucking with him, I would suggest that you do any of the following:

1. Write out 'COKE HEAD' on the hood of his car with syrup and then sprinkle some glitter into it. Nearly impossible to remove, my dear.


2. Sprinkle a packet of kool-aid onto his mattress and then put his bedsheet over it. When he sweats in the middle of the night, the kool-aid will seep into his skin and turn him whatever magical color you choose. It won't come out. For weeks. Also, if he's not such a sweaty guy, you could always sneak into his house after he's gone to sleep and turn the heater all the way up and then super glue the lever in place.


3. I would also seriously consider finding some truly dirty website (email me about that, I've got the dish) and post an ad under the beastiality section. Make sure you leave his phone number for people to contact him. Nothing worse than having to change your phone number.

Katherine baby, you must seek revenge on the wicked. And this dick, is wicked. I hope you learned your lesson about coke heads and that next time, you pass the dutchie on the left hand side instead.

Our Maiden Voyage

D'NA are ready to get this party started and after wading through some very interesting questions, we decided there was no better way to get rolling than with a little BJ action.

I mean, isn't that how every great party in history started? No? Okay, maybe only ours do then.

Anyhow, our first question comes to us from Holly in Florida. Holly ventures out and asks D'NA the following:

I've never done it before, but I know my bf wants me to suck his cock. I want to try it, but I don't know how. I don't want to embarrass myself or hurt him. when is the best time to go for it? what are u supposed to do at the end? is he just supposed to squirt in my mouth? when he does squirt, do most girls swallow it or spit it out? if I decide I want to spit it, where should I spit? any advice would be appreciated.

Sigh. Really? Okay, D'NA are about to lay this out for you.



Holly, my dear girl, let me just say this. If you give head the way you write, your poor boyfriend is going to end up in traction. Seriously, your question made my eyes water, burn and eventually bleed. Once I cleaned up that mess I went on to assume that you are young, very young.

If indeed you are as young as you appear to be, perhaps you should evaluate if cock sucking is what you need to be doing with your life. However, if you feel that licking lollies is indeed the path for you, let's make sure you're doing it the right way.

A blow job is as personal and unique as your finger prints or a sweet little snow flake, every girl is different. It's moments like this when I wish we had a gay man on staff, because nobody would know better than fictional he would.

You ask when the best time to go for it is. Honey, the best time for your man is anytime, but as you are inexperienced I would hold off on the road head until you're sure you know what to do with your teeth. Instead, just take charge and shove your man onto the bed and whip his pants off of him. He'll be pleased and you'll be empowered.

Now we move onto the age old question, spit or swallow? If you have a weak gag reflex simply ask your man to do the favor of a warning tap. A warning tap is when he lets you know he's ready to blow with a soft tap to the top of your fellating noggin. If he's carried away and let's her go, well, I believe that's what his belly button is for. Sweetly spit it right in there and let him deal with the mess. And if all of this is too much for your sensitivities then simply go at it for a few minutes and then climb on and ride him like a good little cowgirl. Just know, he wants you to swallow, they all do. Well,unless they are a snowballer, but that's a lesson I'll leave for another day, unless Demonica wants to cover it.

Just a few last little pointers for you, mind your teeth, use your tongue, caress his guys down under and run your finger along his goods. When your jaw gets tired use your hand. It's all the same to your happy man.

Now let's see what our darling Demonica has to say:

First let me say, that while this rarely happens, I'm going to have to agree with that slutbag, Angelina here. You write like a skank, Holly. You should genuinely be ashamed. But that's not why you came here. Who the fuck do I think I am; Ask and Ye Shall Receive?

I'm going to examine your question one item at a time here, because like a good dick suckin', I'm thorough.

You don't know how? Honey, it's not fucking rocket science. Common sense should tell you what to do in this situation, but I'll just pretend you're retarded and that I have to spell it out for you. Let's start by saying, don't be afraid of the dick. Embrace it and love it, otherwise you're never going to enjoy sucking it.

Start off slow. Don't swallow all your spit because the wetter the better. Don't deep throat yet you have lead up to that. Lick the head of his cock and swirl your tongue around it. You can also start at the base and lick your way up, either one will be good. Gradually work your way up to a faster pace. If you get tired, use your hand and take a break or you can hop on and fuck him for a few minutes, slowly. But if you do this, prepared to be eating your own pussy when you get back to suckin'. Look up at him and smile while sucking his cock. Make him think you fucking love it. Run your tongue right under the head for extra stimulation.

And don't just focus on his dick, suck some balls too. Show him what a little whore you want to be for him. But be very careful since they are sensitive and you don't want him to donkey punch you in retaliation. Also, keep in mind that deep throating will earn you his love and respect more than anything else.

Holly, I would really like to see you become a seasoned cock sucker. So when the time comes for the purple headed yogurt slinger to release it's demons, swallow that shit up, bitch! No self respecting woman spits, it's just not nice. If it doesn't taste good, get the fuck over it. Does Jagermeister taste good? Fuck no, but you drink it so you can be a drunken whore. Just be aware that if you start to swallow and then retreat, you may be rewarded with an angry pirate.

I did not address the question of when to do it, because if you need that much help, you shouldn't be sucking dick. Have you considered anal?

Note From Angelina: Oh, well that is just the kind of answer I should have expected from a whore like Demonica.

Now you see why we were both popular in high school, but for very different reasons.

Class dismissed.